[Updated] Life may be better with a Titan, but if you’re like all the cool kids in town this April Fool’s Day, you’ve always wanted to be a goat. Running, jumping, licking, loving, such a blessed creature is only the stuff that indie made miracles can provide with the release of Goat Simulator. As debauchery of all kinds are sure to follow our noble tin-can eaters this month, let’s just take a look at what mischief the animal kingdom could provide next.
It’s just too damn good being a cat. If Jim Davis popularized any stereotypes concerning them, it’s that being moody, lazy, and narcissistic gets you everything you want in life and then some. Free catering? Check. Getting to sit on important documents? Double check. No tricks? Call my agent. Meow and you shall receive, only the goods are never, ever good enough for every hiss and ungrateful glare. It’s everything that drives humans crazy and what could drive a fantastic simulator for the ages. It should go without saying that there needn’t be terrible amount of gameplay for a bonafide feline simulator. Half the game might be waking your cat up through exhausting QTEs for easy Steam cards, but upon the sound of the dinner bell, your tomfoolery begins. Make it a point-and-click adventure with Telltale choice-making, just take them back whenever you darn well want. “No, I want to go out. No, never mind, I want to come back inside. No, I’m going back out.” Curl up in a corner with your favorite can of Friskies as you watch your owner go batty. Do I see a raise of paws?
Think of the kangaroo games off the top of your head and you’ll probably come up with a number smaller than your own finger count, which is exactly the number our marsupial friends have. (That’s ten) Yes, that ghastly Jerry Bruckheimer film you may have seen in half-asleep passing may not have made the kindly roo a mascot for media, but that doesn’t mean they’re not deserving of a hopping mad time. It’s true that kangaroos are generally docile and aren’t easily provoked, even domesticated in certain circles. That said, there’s no reason for their virtual counterparts not to be more indifferent. Not only can they buggy at 20-25 mph, but dishing out a good kick in the pants isn’t out of the question to a few lousy tourists. So that’s speed and tenacity all in one. Unleash one in a video-game zoo and see what happens.
There’s probably no one in nature more misunderstood than the order Araneae. Always the shovelware of virtual dungeon-keeps and horrid boss battles, the downtrodden spider has eight reasons why they should utterly detest humanity. After all, what did they ever really do to us apart from unintentionally scaring our classmates and biting doe-eyed teenagers into superheroes? Nothing. It’s about time they get their revenge. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death itself, maybe for good reason. Even the most unsuspecting of them, like the Daddy Long Legs (so creepily akin to that gangly thing you killed in Pikmin), is more poisonous than a Black Widow. That said, they’re not terribly, shall we say, “dramatic” for a video-game. It’s only fitting that they get just a bit bigger for their Ultimate Spider Destruction simulator debut. A lot bigger. We’re thinking skyscraper sized. Ya know, be the terror of the town, crush small cars, crush large ones, climb the Empire State building. The possibilities are endless with the world under your fuzzy legs. Weaving your web to catch Walmartians just like flies? Eat your heart out Spider-man.
That old Walt Disney cartoon you always see in the discount bin may have you fixated on a far cuter image of the skunk. Truth be told, the American polecat is a devious little fart. Behind that cute little snout dwells a weapon more powerful than any tomato juice can really cure. As you’re also no doubt aware, the family of Mephitidae is a real stinker. . . and a critter simulator in the making. It’s safe to say that skunks never go anywhere fast, so if there was ever a justification for the standard “spray and pray” FPSs combined with an stealth/action title of Dishonored, then the skunk has it down. No one in your foolish human neighborhood should be sacred from your putrid power from one patio to the next of unsuspecting barbecues and parties, lurking in the bushes for your next stink-ridden prey. Not even your fellow wildlife should be scratched off that dishonorable conduct, even young skunks at play have been seen spraying a sibling when the playing gets too rough. Gawrsh. . .
At first glance, there doesn’t seem to be, well, much of anything to ye olde pigeon. In many ways, you could think of it as your feathered cat. It eats it sleeps, it stares sort of creepily into space whenever it’s not cooing incessantly outside your window. That, of course, is its mask of sanity. Don’t be fooled. Pigeons are, in short, crazy little bastards. On land, pigeons amount to little more than waddling drones bent on eating your last potato chip. In the sky? Quite simply, they’re the menaces of the air. As speedily as they’ve carried your Assassin contracts in the virtual world, the avian family of Columbidae have been known to fly at speeds of 40-65 miles per hour in the real one. They also happen to be well known poopers to anything and everything beneath their soaring heights. What game could these winged bombers make? Simply imagine yourself a natural shit-storming ace in the clouds, raining down death by poop on the unsuspecting stranger below, at a picnic, a wedding, or another vastly sanctimonious social gathering. Top Gun with pigeon poop-shot points? Birds of a feather shit together.
By this point in our short history as a species, there’s no doubt been countless monkey jokes over the years at the expense of our simian brethren, but originality be damned if they weren’t so consistently funny. Whether it be evolution or simply a spiritual link, there’s a strange affinity we primates share for wanted mayhem and destruction and it seems to translate everywhere, including our games. Why have we waited so long to finally play our harrier friends then? The smartest animal on this list, not to mention the only one with an opposable thumb, the gameplay options for our chimp should be quite varied in a fantastically sized environment. Think a furrier, less evolved Trevor Phillips (if that’s at all possible) in a Los Santos full of (more) hapless fools just asking for poo to be flung at them. Yes, flinging poo. More poo, more fun. Chuck it as a 3rd-person cover shooter, or maybe a more immersive FPS, or to heck with it, maybe just a run-and-poo. Shoehorn in poo micro-transactions and extra animal map packs you have yourself a Call of Duty killer. Monkey business is the best business.
Is there any creature on this god-forsaken earth more adorably awesome than the bunny rabbit? I dare think not. The humble hare, so majestic, so nimble, and quite terribly quick. At speeds of up to 48 mph, these amazing little buggers can buggy at quite a pace. That’s not to mention their ability to churn out a literal army of furry followers every month with a 28-31 day gestation period. Bunnies, bunnies everywhere. What, then, can our very own Sylvilagus floridanus amount to for a game? A very dangerous game, in fact. Behind these cute faces dwells a powerful beast worthy of that timeless children’s nursery rhyme. Think of controlling a litter of Little Bunny Foo Foos bopping everyone, everything, everywhere. . . in a forest, field mice and all. Consider it a survival of the fittest, Sonic the Hedgehog style meeting Mario as a high-speed, action platformer with those poor, deluded mice as your doorstops. Rabbits FTW.
Ah, the flea. What harmless little fellows they are. So tiny, so helpless, and oh so bothersome in every form they exist in. At 2,000 species and counting, these little bloodsuckers are the bane of anyone’s beleaguered pet or scalp. Simply put, such Pulex irritans family members put the “itch” in itchiness as the mascot of all bodily bugs. Such frustration can only be quantified in the most productive of outlets: gaming. There’s certainly no such thing as one flea, so why not ten fleas? Better yet, make it a horde of thousands across a battlefield of human head. Mix up Pikmin and Wonderful 101, chop it finely and blend it with Bowser’s Inside Story, and you just may have yourself a real-time strategy RPG of hygiene terror. Put it on a poor fool’s head and watch them lose it as they struggle to throw you off, Shadow of the Colossus style. You’re better though, no human head can withstand you. You are the fleas. Resistance is futile.
Who Let The Goats Out?
That’s it for our educated picks. Did we miss any other wonder critters? Tell us in the comments below and have a goat day!